- As we continue in ‘lockdown’, here is my summary of some of the advice we have so far received from esteemed Ministers, (including the ‘Prime’ one), eminent scientists and others of the ‘generally great and good’ fraternity :-
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house. There are four main reasons and these must never be breached, unless you have a good and satisfactory reason for breaching them, which then makes it ok and perfectly acceptable.
2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, despite not being effective. They may become mandatory, but maybe not. We don’t know, (nobody knows) but we will all pretend that we do and are a lifelong authority on the issue, with a first class honours degree in ‘Maskology’ (sic) from Cambridge University. Most of the ‘experts’ are found presenting breakfast TV.
3. Shops are closed, except for those that are open. We should only leave for ‘essential’ provisions’ and do so as little as possible ( about once a week) but the chip shops are open because, of course, they are ‘essential’ and 69 people crammed into a tiny shop waiting on fried fish is also ‘essential’, it would appear.
4. You must not go to work to avoid mixing with others but are encouraged to ‘help others’ by dropping off supplies but without any PPE (like everyone else in the country, it would appear).
5. You should not really go to the Doctor or to the hospital as they are far too busy. But don’t not go because you might regret not going. Definitely do not go if you are too poorly to go.
6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster because it cannot be contained or controlled.
7. Gloves won’t help; but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not, depending on whether, like masks, various ‘clever ‘ people tell us if they are effective. We now hear that wearing this form of protection could actually increase our risk. Great.
8. STAY HOME, but it’s important to go out for exercise, shopping, medicine, dog-walking and trips to the local chip shop and takeaway (see point 3, supra)
9. There is no shortage of items in the supermarkets. But some items will not be there, have not been there for weeks and will possibly never be back on the shelves. You may not require loo rolls everytime you venture to the shops, but you should buy a few hundred ‘just in case’. And 6 x 6 pints of milk is also handy as, of course, are 29 loaves of bread. ‘Just in case’.
10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it has affected.
11. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non-contagious with symptoms…
12. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it’s better not to go out shopping.
13. It’s important to get fresh air but don’t go to parks for a walk. Certainly don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down, don’t eat your picnic.
14. Don’t visit ‘old people’ but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.
15. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out, in which case they can.
16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are perfectly safe. But shopping from the supermarket that you bring back to your house has to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours.
17. You can’t see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
18. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
19. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours … or four hours… six hours… I mean days, not hours… But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry… in the air, as long as…..
20. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children. You first need to remember that you have children and are a parent. This will be a shock to many. If you are at home you can ‘home educate’ your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor (or no) internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you yourself are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores to be education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am ( that’s not true……it’s 11am).
21. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am…or much earlier. Much.
22. The number of Covd-19 related deaths will be announced daily but will include some groups but not others and, in any event, we don’t know really whether those people died from coronavirus or with coronavirus.
23. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street, however, are allowed to call the police about your music.
24. No business will go under due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will have already gone under, like hundreds of thousands of them.
- Clarity is vital at a time like this, eh..?? As if we don’t have enough to worry about…………………..